Crossroads
by Fall
Summary: This arc tells of Heero's conflicts with his emotions as he reaches the crossroads of his relationship with Trowa — of the pains of love, recriminations, broken trusts, and of the light that shines as a beacon of hope for them all. Ch 3 [1+3, shounen-ai
1. Default Chapter

Title: Crossroads: Out of Reach (Part One)  
Series: Gundam Wing  
Pairings: 1+3, 3+4+3, various others   
Category: Angst, Heero's POV, songfic  
Warnings: Shounen-ai  
Disclaimer: The song "Out of Reach" is owned by Gabrielle. Also, I don't own GW and its characters.  
Author's Notes: Duo's a nice best friend here. I love him like that, so don't attach any meaning to his agendas ^_~ And this one isn't dedicated for Quatre-bashings — don't get me wrong, I love the boy ^_^ It just so happens that he gets mixed up with the conflicts here.

If you see any screw-ups, hell, don't flame me ^_^ This was just a product of my playful fancies.

// --lyrics-- \\

* * *

"Crossroads: Out of Reach"  
by Fall

Part One

// Knew the signs  
Wasn't right  
I was stupid for a while  
Swept away by you \\

I had often scoffed at Maxwell's insane idea that Trowa is having an affair with that blond-haired weakling behind my back. Back then, all he would get from me is a death-glare to silence him at least for some time (he will be, until he thinks of a new way to broach the subject, that is). At times, he would get a mutter or two out of me, saying that either he'll quit or he'll risk seeing me cut and use his beloved braid as a gag for his ever-babbling mouth. He would fall silent for a longer duration with that.

I should have thought twice and believed him. All the evidences have been quite spread vividly around me, and yet I played the role of the blind lover. I trusted Trowa too much; too much to neglect the signs that Quatre's taking over my place.

Not that I never trusted Trowa when he swore to me that I am his "only" love, and that whatever had transpired between him and Quatre was "definitely" over. They're just best friends now, he told me that. And I trusted him. I trusted him so much that I willingly closed both eyes and ears. 

Maybe that's the problem. I trusted him too much. Even when I noticed that Quatre's blushing whenever Trowa looks at him.

To be fair, he had a right to in the first place. It was during our time in the Peacemillion when they informed us of it. I wasn't too happy, yet I felt that it was what Trowa had deserved. Everybody claims that they were the most perfect pair they've ever seen. For my part, I've never seen Trowa so happy and contented with his life.

They just fell out of love one day. Something to do with Quatre's need to think alone by himself. Trowa came to me one night and confessed in his own way, that he had felt that more than hormones had made him take me that one time on a mission. In other words, he loved me. I had always felt the same thing, and I had loved him even when he and Quatre were still a couple. After telling him that the feeling's mutual, we made love then. We never announced to the world that we were a couple; the others just sort of got the hint. No, we do not publicly display or what, they just sort of noticed, that's all.

Back then, I should have realized that it was barely a month after he and that blue-green eyed boy split. It was such a short time to feel anything for someone so soon. Anyone else could have noticed that. Anyone else but a lovesick fool that I was.

He was so sweet and loving that I couldn't help but come out of my Gundanium-core-silence-shell. He changed me in a way that no other person has. Now I wish I hadn't succumbed to his charms.

// And now I feel like a fool  
So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you? \\

My best friend had tried to shield me from further harm by telling me all that his nose smells. In Duo's case, his nose (a figurative word that best describes intuition in his terms) serves as his radar, and his tongue, the transmitter. If I had considered his words, this might not have been the case.

Wondering what "this" is? Heck, I only saw my koi kissing with his ex. *That* is what *this* is all about.

Just three hours ago, I went back to our shared house (We all live there, except for Relena. She lives alone in her huge estate and comes to visit us during the weekends.). I forgot to bring my latest reports to work, and today's the deadline. It has never happened before. Shaking my head, I blamed it to last night's rendezvous with Trowa. With a smile playing at the corners of my mouth, I slipped in through the front door as quietly as possible, remembering that Quatre is home, resting from a severe headache. I swiftly went past the other rooms and reached my shared room with Trowa at the end of the hallway. Quickly gathering my papers, I started to walk past the other rooms again.

This time, I noticed that Quatre's room was slightly ajar.

Remember me saying that Trowa had changed some things in me? Well I've developed this thing that makes me show my concern openly. So saying, I decided to close the door noiselessly so as not to disturb his rest, out of this notion that he might catch cold with the draft.

Everything was plain clear to my eyes: as I stepped closer to the door, I heard moans and saw to my utter disbelief, a very un-sick Quatre leaning over a surrendering Trowa, kissing him with as much passion as if he had always yearned for him.

Damn that blond! Damn myself for staying glued on the spot, doing nothing but clench my fists and walking away, as quietly as I'd entered.

Dammit! I slammed my fist on the table. I —

"Heero, you can't kill that," A familiar voice said. "It's wood. How could anyone kill wood?" He added wryly.

"Would you like me to kill you instead?" I asked calmly, knowing that he wouldn't take that seriously.

"Maybe you should just go ahead and kill the wood." He told me cheerfully. See? I told you he wouldn't take that seriously. Not Duo.

"Maxwell, you may be my best friend next to my gun, but one more corny joke and I shall be very happy to eliminate you with your braid."

He gulped. That was answer enough.

"You're too much jumpy, Hee—uh I mean Heero," A glare from me made him swallow the pending disgusting pet name. "Maybe it's your stomach. I always growl when my stomach's empty."

"You never growl, Maxwell. You babble." I pointed out.

"So what? Anyway, it's lunchtime. Everyone needs to eat," he said. "Even people like you."

"Hn." How could I have an appetite after seeing my beloved smooching with his ex?

"I take it as a yes." Duo grabbed my hand and practically dragged me out of the room.

"Maxwell?" I started to ask him slowly.

"Yes Hee-chan?"

Damn that stupid name!

"Go to hell." I muttered.

"We are going to hell," he stated glumly, after seeing what's for lunch at the Preventers cafeteria. "We are damn going to die after eating poison, and I'm absolutely sure we go to hell after eliminating the cook for it."

"…" Was all I could say, looking at the burnt meat with distaste. I was never one for the taste of my food, but today…well…Maxwell does have a point.

// Out of reach, so far  
I never had your heart  
Out of reach,  
Couldn't see  
We were never  
Meant to be \\

I'm no martyr. But if there's anyone who'd been hurt in their love and never knew what to do, it's me. I'd been trained for many things, but this isn't one of them. I now wish that I knew what to do. 

Heck, maybe this is why Trowa went back to Quatre. Maybe he couldn't stand the way things are turning for us. Maybe he never liked the way I am. With Quatre, he knew life. He felt emotions. He was turned from the dark shadows that had been his life.

I can never offer him that. 

With me came those reminders of the childhood we both lost, of the punishments we had to take for the war, the cold days of loneliness.

I never thought I'd see the day that my past will bring its toll in my present life.

But then again, isn't it the very reason why we got attracted to each other? Because only we could identify what the other has gone through? Because no matter what we do, we can never erase the scars of yesterday and offer ourselves unscathed to any other person?

Or is it the very reason why Trowa never *truly* gave his heart to me?  
  
// Catch myself  
From despair  
I could drown  
If I stay here  
Keeping busy everyday  
I know I will be OK \\

This is my third day at the office, typing frantically like I've never done before.

Occasionally, heads would pop in every minute of the day, either to remind me of some things, or just to hang around. Luckily, I have the room all to myself — Une gave me the privilege out of experience, I guess. Don't ask.

"Staying up late for advance paper works?"

"Une." I acknowledged her presence, without looking. 

"Well if you aren't, I just thought you might like a ride. It's raining, and it's all in my way, you know."

This was the third time I heard that line today. It has been raining the whole day. The first advice I got from Trowa (no, I've never told him that I know the truth), who was quite silent and brooding when he entered my office. The next was Duo, who was harder to quench. 

And now, Une. 

"No thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"I have an umbrella." I lied.

"Okay. Just don't tell me it's my fault when Trowa demands why you are sopping wet tonight," Une laughs. "By the way, where is he? It isn't like him, you know." Pointedly.

Damn Une. I know she knows something by that tone of her voice. Well, she won't get it.

"I sent him home."

"Oh. Well then, see you later." Une said, as adept to this game as I was.

"Hn." I grunted. 

I waited till I heard her footsteps die down the hallway. Then I turned off my laptop, and left the room.

So much for wanting to drown yourself in work.

// But I was  
So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you? \\

I walked in the rain.

I let myself walk all the way to our house, because I wanted plenty of time to think. I walked as I fumed; I walked as I cried. I walked as I let all the steam choke me now.

It's been three days since I saw that kiss. And nothing's the same for me. 

I never told Trowa. I figured he wanted time to tell me himself, to find the right time to break off with me. But for damnation's sake, I would have preferred to be told, than knowing the truth while still being led on.

Damn.

All these tears had been wasted for my foolishness. Why did I ever fall for him? He knows how much I love him. He knows damn too well. I gave everything I could offer and even some things that I never knew I could offer to anyone.

And now all these are just lies to my eyes. My trust is too fragile; I don't trust too easily, but when I do, I trust completely without question. He lied to me. The trust he'd instilled in me now lies broken in these tears that mingled with rain. The tears he'd wrought out of me.

I remember all those days we'd spent, the nights we'd made love...but no. I don't remember him having told me once that he loves me. Not even once. But then, they say actions speaks louder than words...right?

The house came into my view. I dreaded to enter it again, and face his emerald eyes that seemed to say he's innocent despite all I saw.

Trowa...did you ever love me?_  
_  
// So much hurt,  
So much pain  
Takes a while  
To regain  
What is lost inside  
And I hope that in time,  
You'll be out of my mind  
And I'll be over you \\

By the time I reached the outskirts of the huge house, I was soaking wet down to my shoes (heck, I walked all the way, remember?) So I decided that instead of ruining Noin's best rug tonight, I might as well enter through the back door. Though Trowa might be waiting for me there, I can handle it much better than all the girls shrieking at me.

It was a good thing that I knew when there are people before I reached my destination. 

Duo and Wufei came out of the back door and sat upon the chairs by the porch. Maxwell seems to be chuckling about something, while Wufei just offers a companionable grunt or two.

"It *is* a good thing that Yuy's not here," Duo chuckled. "He might have given Mr. Reginald-I'm-Too-Good-For-You a scare."

"Yeah," Wufei agreed. "Heero might have showed him his place."

To be able to understand what the hell they're talking about, allow me to give you some hints. For the past months that she'd been living with us, Dorothy was seized with this idea that she too *must* have her own lover. Living in a house wherein everyone has his/her significant other (well, except for Une and Quatre — correction, except for Une and me), nobody can blame her. And so as fast as one potential suitor is criticized and turned down by the family (we refer to ourselves as "family"), a new one was brought forth with as much alacrity by the instigator as when she first brought the first "victim".

Dorothy manages to do that when I'm safely out of the house, for the last time I interrogated one man, he ran out of the house when I told him I formerly killed people for a profession. In a matter of fact way.

I don't see the need, although Trowa later told me that it isn't very "common" to hear people say that, especially when I added that I killed without remorse.

Damn. I keep on remembering Trowa.

Since I can't enter through the front door, I'll just have to use the back door, though I was quite at a lost as to how to escape Duo and Wufei's inquiries.

"Speaking of Yuy," Wufei lowered his voice. "Have you told him yet?"

My head snapped up at that.

"Like hell I try to!" Duo hissed. "I tell him almost every chance I get, and only he knows why I'm *still* alive today."

That one.

"No wonder he doesn't believe you," Wufei snorted. "You got to be serious for once, Maxwell."

It isn't Duo's fault, Wufei. It's mine.

"Why don't you try telling him, Mr. Know-It-All?" Duo challenged. "What am I supposed to tell my best friend? 'Heero, Trowa's been cheating on you, and its Quatre' . It's not *that* easy to do, Fei."

"It's better than letting him be made a fool you know."

Friends. Why don't they just tell me frankly. Are they afraid I'll kill Quatre Raberba Winner on the spot? Hah. Good idea.

"I know, Fei, I know!" Duo seems to be at his wits' end. "But Trowa and Quatre are my friends too."

"This is injustice, Maxwell." Wufei argued, "I'm telling you —"

There was a knock, then the door was slightly opened. Trowa.

"Sorry for interrupting you, but has Heero arrived yet?"

The two were very much the picture of guilt. From the looks of Trowa, one might think he never heard of the conversation. But trust me, he did. And the others knew that.

"Gee, Trowa. What a surprise." Duo tried to smile weakly.

"No, Trowa. Haven't seen him yet." Wufei said, while pulling Duo's braid. "See you later."

This was too much. So all this time it was known by the whole household, and worst, I looked like a fool. Lovely, Heero. Just lovely. My eyes narrowed. Wait till they feel the wrath of Heero Yuy.

I'll play along with them alright. Till they regret what have been done.

// But now I'm  
So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you? \\

I never entered the house till I was sure that they're all asleep. Slowly I made my way to our room. Tomorrow, I swear I'll move out of this damn room.

"You're home."

I closed the door quietly. Then I faced him. "I am."

"Your clothes are wet." His hands were on my body now, trying to remove my still-wet clothes. I resisted the urge to pull him to me. 

When he kissed me, I felt like melting in his arms, that there's nothing wrong between us. I don't know why, but an image flashed in my mind that replaced my desire with disgust. The image of Quatre kissing him like this. Hell, he might have been kissing him before me.

I pushed him away. 

"I need to go to sleep."

Something flashed in his eyes. But I was too tired to comprehend its meaning, and so I went to the bathroom, half-dressed, to change into bedclothes. And to think alone. Again.

When I came back, he was still standing where I left him. He looked up when I entered the room. 

"Heero," he murmured. "Ai shiteru." 

Blast those words! Its too late, Trowa. All I can think of now is how crap it sounds to my ears, how vile your presence is to my eyes. Shit! You would have ruined my life. But everything's over now. Everything's over.

"Good night, Trowa."

I turned my back on him and climbed our bed. Tomorrow, I wouldn't sleep in here anymore.

It was sometime before he took his place beside me. He never tried to talk to me, since my back was turned from him. This will be the longest night of my life.

// Out of reach,  
So far  
You never gave your heart  
In my reach, I can see  
There's a life out there  
For me \\

I can't sleep. 

I wonder how many people could afford to sleep with the knowledge that they are in bed with the love of their life, yet they aren't the love of *his* life. Damn.

I shifted slightly to face him. Trowa looks so wonderful even when he's asleep. I longed to brush the hair off his forehead; I longed to claim what I thought I owned. When my lips brushed with his, I felt as if nothing could take him away from me.

Then I remembered that he never gave me his heart.

Slowly, I pulled away, and rose from the bed. The window seemed inviting enough; I went and stayed there, feeling that my thoughts are much clearer when I'm alone. Various emotions took their will to surround me and lingered in my chest. This wasn't the first time I was betrayed. But this was the first time that I felt what it's like to be betrayed by the one person whose betrayal means the death of me.

Physical pain is nothing compared to what I'm going through now. If this is how it feels to be hurt by love, then I do not think I'll commit the same mistake again.

I'll make the decision easier for him. It doesn't matter what he thinks or what others think. Hell, he might have been looking for the perfect time to break up with me. He's taking me for a love struck fool if that was true. 

But no. I wouldn't give Trowa the satisfaction of seeing me hurt over this. Come hell or high water, I'll show them what a perfect soldier is capable of. No emotions, stoic words, and cold eyes.

And tomorrow, Trowa will wake up to the sight of an empty space beside him.

Not even he could lift this mask that I'm weaving tonight.

He'll see I can get on without any emotions.

Just the way it used to be.

- End Part One

TBC 


	2. Crossroads - Don't Speak

Title: Crossroads: Don't Speak (Part Two)  
Series: Gundam Wing  
Pairings: 1+3, 3+4+3, various others  
Category: Angst, Heero's POV, songfic  
Warnings: Shounen-ai  
Disclaimer: The song "Don't Speak" is owned by No Doubt. I don't own GW and its characters.  
Author's Notes: I haven't the slightest plan as to how the story should go. Rather, I'm letting the characters direct me to where this is leading to. So another songfic wasn't planned, but I must say that I like this part better than without.

I like to portray Duo as a nice and cheerful friend, who always looks out for his friends and pop up when most needed, so please don't attach any meaning to whatever he does in the fic ^_^ Also, I must state clearly that this is no Quatre-bashing fic, that I love him as much as I love the rest. It just so happens that he gets mixed in the story's conflicts.

// --lyrics-- \\

* * *

"Crossroads: Don't Speak"  
by: Fall

Part Two
    
    // You and me
    We used to be together
    Every day together always \\
    
    One hellish month has passed.

Four weeks since I had silently withdrawn my connections with Trowa.

One week since I've decided to break up with him silently.

I decided to slip away altogether without his notice, giving him the chance to call off our relationship first, at least vocally. I assumed that he was only waiting for a suitable time to break the news to me gently.

Hah. Gently.

What does he think I am, some porcelain doll that easily shatters with rough handling?

I was never one to handle emotions skillfully. I haven't the idea how I'm supposed to act, let alone distinguish what emotions are at work in me. I'm doing everything as how I learned to handle a couple of things from Dr. J. 

Damn the old man, he should've taught me a few things or two besides practicality and coldness.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

Heck, maybe I am, and maybe I'm not. Nothing could have prepared me for this, and so it's not my fault that I'm rather at a lost with the situation. This is the only way I could think of, and contrary to what others say, I *do* think that I'm getting on quite good.

Though cutting off with Trowa had been easy on the surface, it was hard on the inside.

For the past days, I've never shared a room with him for more than a fraction of a minute. As often as possible, I made sure that we'll never cross paths with each other. I only spoke to him when needed, and that is unmistakably done with perfect reserve. The perfect soldier way.

I think he never got the message.
    
    ----------
    
    // I really feel
    I'm losing my best friend
    I can't believe
    This could be the end \\

Our latest meeting was the summit that at last sealed the promise I've made to myself.

It was lunch, and I was eating alone. Or at least, for the past five minutes, for Duo Maxwell had belligerently announced that whether I like it or not, he shall conquer half of my table. I just glared at him. For some reason, I just let him do what he wants to with me, as long as it wasn't the word, "Hee-chan". Don't ask.

By the time I was nearly through with my food, everyone from Une to Wufei had already joined us. Only the *two* are missing from the usual group. Maybe they're eating together in the grass or something. A bitter smile threatened to show itself.

"May we join you?"

Damn. Since when did my intuitions proved wrong? I didn't have to look up to know that the voice belonged to Trowa. But I did.

To my utter consternation, I found myself locking in an eye contact with him, studying the brilliant eyes that often haunted me. He might have addressed everyone, but he can't fool me. That line was for me, and it was equivalent to asking me if *they* could join *me*.

Our gaze was broken by Duo, coughing before he spoke, "Sure, Tro-man. We'd love to have you here," with rather a half-smile, half-confusion that wasn't him.

"Uh, you too, Q-man," He added as if it were an afterthought.

Then violet eyes darted me a flash of apology. Does Maxwell know that *I* know?

Those weren't the only pair of eyes that eyed me warily when Trowa slid into the seat next to me. Dammit! I thought, feeling hot and uncomfortable all of a sudden. Hot because of the awareness that he was just within my reach. Uncomfortable because in spite of my hatred for him, I still lusted after him.

I may hate Trowa, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm *still* madly in-love with him, that I *still* find myself mentally undressing him at the sight of his gorgeous physique, that I dream of him moving inside of me. Others will think it madness, but I think it's just the matter of courage in admitting it.

Let's face it: I *still* love Trowa Barton.

And I miss him.

But pride must be retained. I cannot just let him do this to me and not pay for what he did. He just can't come and go and leave me like a fool. Hell, I am actually making this easier on him. He ought to thank me for leaving on my own, and letting others think that we broke up simply because we want to.

That way he'll be free to take up with his damned ex and go fuck with him to the extreme, devil may care.

Anger overpowering my desires, I decided to stay and show him that I didn't even notice him. 

It was the longest meal of my entire existence in the Preventer's.

-----------

// It looks as though you're letting go  
And if it's real,  
Well I don't want to know \\

I stood up. It was no use to stay in such a hated situation when I could go and delve myself into something more productive. I was about to go, when a hand stopped me.

"Could we talk?" Knowing Trowa, he doesn't like to show where he was most vulnerable and covered up all his weaknesses with his mask. This time, he not only let it fall before me, but before the whole of the family.

I quite found myself admiring him for that.

"Whatever suits you," was my cold answer. It may be cold and unfeeling, but I think it was the next best thing to saying, "No." Though Maxwell would later quip that if it were him, he would have received rejection better than hear me consent with an uncaring disposition. To which remark I only told him to, "Shut up."

"Then we *shall* talk." He rose and released my arm. "Follow me."

With a detached air, I followed him, a great distance separating us. Nobody uttered a sound when we left the table. And it seems that everyone has suddenly lost their earlier gaiety. I took one look at Quatre, and noticed that his eyes were quite red. Either from crying or lack of sleep.

I almost snorted with disgust. *Either* being unable to sleep because of a prolonged tryst in bed, or crying from extreme ecstasy.

Trowa halted before Une's office and produced a key.

"Une had been generous." I told him.

"She is."

"I suppose she gave you the key herself."

"She did."

Damn Une. So this was her idea in the first place. I should've known. Trowa wouldn't have asked her for her help.

He entered the room first.

And I had the feeling that things will get worse inside that room.

But there's no turning back.

// Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts \\

"What do you want?" I asked him, as I locked the door. Something like dread seeped itself through my veins, as I turned to face Trowa again.

Since when did I learn to feel dread?

"I want to know exactly why you are shutting me out of your life completely."

That was a direct question that lured me to a display of contempt. *Shutting out* was a rather light word to refer to our silent "break-up". Shit Trowa, quit playing the game with me.

A thousand curses would have been much better than what I said next. Actually, my first impulse was to grab his head and pin him by the wall, while I plunder through the sweetness that Quatre had taken for himself. My tongue had won the conquest when I felt his own invasion. His hands were entangled with my hair, eliciting moans from me. We rocked our hips together and when I felt his arousal brushing with mine, I thought I'd die. God, Trowa, you don't know how much I want you.

That snapped me back to reality. Yes, that was only some illusion, some daydream that plagues me night and day. If I wasn't forced back to reality by the image of them kissing, that one morning, emotions would have won over pure hatred. Fresh anger surged through me, though it was more for myself, than for him.

I found some vent in saying coldly, "You tired of Quatre quite easily."

He paled. No wonder, for I said it in the tone that I reserved for saying, "Omae o korosu." It was the tone that sends chills to a person's heart.

Though his stoic mask was very much in place, I saw the pangs of pain that my words, if not, my tone, had caused him to feel.

"I see," He matched my icy tone. And that, though I admit I deserved that, made my anger spark once again, and kindled into flames.

Damn you Trowa! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I wanted to yell all that. I longed to show him how much rage I felt for his ditching me without notice. I wanted to yell at him all the pain he'd caused me. Yet no words came. 

We just stood there, avoiding anymore eye contact, drowning in silence.

He just couldn't get it, could he?

// Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts \\

At length, he broke the deafening silence.

"Heero," he began, turning to look at me. His emerald eyes reflected the pain I felt. But that will never make me relent. For all I care, he might be faking it.

"Heero, I'm sorry."

Oh yeah, sure. He's sorry. That's equivalent to admitting that he did leave me for that blond boy. It took all the training I've had to restrain myself from being anything but stoic. Heck, it's *bad* enough to know that your boyfriend cheats behind your back — with a friend of all people — not that I'd be thrilled to see him cheating with other people. It's just that, after all this, *all* he tells you is, "I'm sorry."?!

I remained silent, staring stonily at him.

I hate you, Trowa.

// Our memories  
They can be inviting  
But some are altogether  
Mighty frightening \\

"Tonight, I'm moving out of our room," He addressed me quietly. "You can have it."

Yeah, and render me sleepless for as long as I live. Don't be naive, Trowa. Even you could not stand to stay in a room wherein its four corners reminds you of us.

"I have my own room." I said coldly. Hell, what makes him think I'll want to stay there?

I can't stand the piercing feeling that drills into me. The kind that was caused by memories of him. I have to get out of here.

"I'm getting back to work."

// As we die, both you and I  
With my head in my hands  
I sit and cry \\

Composed on the outside, yet shattered on the opposite. That was what I was when I gave him the look that carried the silent meaning, "I know it's over now and I accept it."

Without waiting for an answer, I headed for the door. I was afraid I'd break down in front of him, which was the last thing I'll do even if it takes the life out of me.

// It's all ending  
I gotta stop pretending who we are...  
You and me  
I can see us dying ... are we? \\

My hand was on the verge of turning the knob, when his next words struck me to the deepest degree.

"Quatre never replaced you," he said softly, lacing his words with a slight tremble.

Damn you and your crap, Trowa.

For the first time, I felt glad I was capable of looking the opposite from what I truly feel. Rage was taking its toll inside. My eyes flashed with hatred when I faced him for the last time. "I never had a place with you."

That, and I left him shell-shocked on the spot, looking pale as his lips pursed unconsciously.

Blindly, I sought the refuge of my office. When I was certain that I was alone and the door was locked, I sank into my chair weakly, and cradled my head in my hands.

And to my utmost astonishment, I cried.

- End Part Two

TBC 


	3. Crossroads - Separate Lives

Title: Crossroads: Seperate Lives (Part Three)  
Series: Gundam Wing  
Pairings: 1+3, mention of 5+S  
Category: Angst, Heero's POV, songfic  
Warnings: Language, angst, and angst, shounen-ai  
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. The song is by Phil Collins.  
Author's Notes: Part 3. At last. =) This part has been sitting for awhile now in my files, waiting to be finished. Dunno what prompted me to finish this, as I'd been stuck in lurkdom for ages. Lyrics had been adjusted to jive with the storyline. Anyway, all C&Cs are welcome. 

Dedication: With a buttercup hug to Dim Genesis, the one who always asked when I would write part 3. I feel loved, really ^_^ 

Date finished: 05 April 2002 

/--denotes lyrics--/

* * *

"Crossroads -- Separate Lives"  
by Fall

- Part Three -

/ ... And that you miss me sometimes  
When you're alone in your room  
Do I feel lonely too? / 

There are times when the reality of being alone strikes me. All my life I've denied all emotions, pretended not to feel and want them, had always ran away when the first prickle touches me. I forced myself to believe that I can live without any feelings, that practicality was more important than the various signals that the brain sends all over your body. I built a wall that shielded me from it.

Because I was afraid to get hurt in the end.

Dr. J taught me that emotions only drains the capacity of a soldier to fight without remorse. Emotions can drive you out of your system, render you useless, frightened. Being the perfect soldier, I obeyed my superior and closed both my eyes and my heart.

Because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.

When Relena first announced that she liked me, I was confused. My first impulse was to get stiff and cold. I tried to run away, to go and ignore her. I never felt more than friendship for her, which I later learned, but what she'd done had somehow shaken what I'd firmly built. She made a crack in my shield. She made me wonder what warmth is like.

/ ... I can't go on holding onto ties   
Now that we're living separate lives / 

Then came Trowa.

My hardened resolve crashed down fully on my head when I met him. Slowly but surely. Each day the crack grew wider, till I started to wonder how it would feel to have someone to love, someone whom I can call my own. And how pleasant it would be if that someone loved me back. Then my wall fell and left me at the mercy of my deepest fear.

I was afraid of love.

I never wanted to feel it, was afraid that I didn't know what to feel. That I have no idea how it works. I trembled to think of love for I was never trained for it. And after seeing what happened to Une when Treize died, I forced myself to remember that I'll *never* fall in love. I have a heart of stone, more mechanical than human. Emotions are only a nuisance, fictional, irrational, and useless. It's just something as fleeting and temporary as a wound. Or a hunch. It would only take my precious time from me, and I have barely enough for myself.

And now look at me.

The day that we talked in Une's office, our relationship was technically over. I'm back to square one, all alone and resentful. If I really did have any emotion hidden deep in the recesses of my being, it must have retracted back to nothingness. Gone into oblivion, and the wall had appeared again, ten times stronger than before.

But why do I feel a sting when I see the others happy with their loved ones?

/ I held on to let you go  
And if you lost your love for me  
You never let it show  
There was no way to compromise  
So now we're living separate lives /

I never want to fall in love again.

The last time I did, I abandoned myself fully to this emotion. And look where I am now. Ditched right under my nose, and I couldn't even do anything about it.

Seven months. We've often quarreled, and some even led to short-time break ups. But this time, it's for real. Trowa is gone from me. He's not mine anymore. And I'm still weaning myself from him.

I still love him, even if he never loved me.

/ Oh, it's so typical  
Love leads to isolation  
So you build that wall  
And you make it stronger /

Glaring at the monitor, I viciously typed, my fingers hitting the keys hard. I tried to pry my mind from useless moaning, and instead do something more productive. A vision of Trowa appeared on the monitor, and I slammed my fists hard on the keys.

Damn.

"Hey, is it 'kay if I come in?"

Maxwell. He never knows when to knock. "Have you ever heard the term, 'knock'?" I muttered, trying to ignore the fact that he saw every resentment I felt. I've always denied that I was affected with the break-up. Rule number one in being the perfect soldier: *Never* show your weaknesses to anyone. I'm not saying that he will tell what he knows, but Duo's the kind of friend who can never refuse anyone anything, so to speak. It's better to play it safe than sorry.

"What's the use when we both know that you'll let me in 'neway," he said cheerfully, as he crossed the distance to my desk. "Jeez, Heero, you're not serious about burying yourself in work, are ya?" he groaned, as he picked up a few folders and examined the contents.

"Maxwell, I'm too busy for your whining." I said coldly.

"And I thought Fei was the grumpy bear," Duo said gravely. Now that caught my attention and involuntarily squeezed a tiny hint of a grin from me. I looked up in dismay to see him smirk.

"Hn." I tried to repress the twinkling of my eyes as I remembered the past. Duo loved it best when he gets to tease everyone in the house, he says it was what keeps us from getting too serious. Everyone is a constant victim, and we never know when Shinigami strikes and who will be the next unfortunate victim. Once, he put into his head to play a trick on us all one Monday morning. He said he tried to test the theory that people are more grumpier on Monday mornings than any other given morning. I have no idea where he got that idea, but he did try his theory. He was into it with Dorothy, and the two had a grand and irritating time. Meaning, most of us proved him right, specially Wufei.

Now, Fei had this habit of staying longer in the bathroom than necessary. He called it meditating; Maxwell said it was sleeping under the showers. Nevertheless, the two rascals prevented him from his 'meditation', by turning off the water heater, therefore giving him a cold shower. So to speak, Fei stalked out of the bathroom naked, with only a towel wrapped around his lower parts, and precipitately hunted Duo on the spot. Sally could only smile wryly, as she talked Fei out of strangling Maxwell. After that, peace reigned inside the house for weeks, especially since Fei was always on alert mode, and Shinigami declared that he was retiring early from his prankster job.

An amused voice broke into my thoughts. "See? I thought you needed some company to lighten your mood," Duo grinned, as he collected all the folders on my desk. "You've been way too serious lately, Yuy."

"Hn."

"You know, it isn't good for your health to live in total isolation," he said seriously. "I bet if you're still with Trowa, he wouldn't have let you kill yourself with work."

Involuntarily, I drew in a sharp breath.

"What do you know about it?" I challenged him, shifting to the all-conquering-Yuy mode as a cover up for my emotional slip. He was smirking, I can feel it, so I did not dare to look up and confirm my guess. I fixed my gaze at the sea of words before me, waiting for his now-familiar "Caught you, now c'mon and 'fess" line.

It never came. Instead, I heard the rustle of folders being settled down and the sigh that prompted me to look up. Duo, as I know of him, has never looked this dead serious except that one time when he told me I was being selfish by being the Perfect Soldier when it's not even needed. I had the sudden thought that I'd hear what I'd been fearing to know: the truth.

"Ah yes, the typical thing a Perfect Soldier would counter to cover up his emotions," He told me flatly. "You know Heero, I understand that you're confused in dealing with the pain you're going through and all, but what I can't understand is *why* you can't admit that you're suffering and that you still love Trowa."

Silence. His violet eyes glaring seriously at me, daring me to speak what his words, if not his eyes, had stirred in me. But what could I say? He'd already summed up what's been consuming me for the past seven months. What had made me build this wall of isolation around me.

"Will it always be like this? Hiding from all those emotions that marked you with the pain that made you human? Think about it, Heero, before you use your wall in crushing everyone around who only meant to be of help to a friend."

I was stricken. I think he knew that too, as he just shook his head gently, giving me a little sympathetic smile and left.

/ You have no right to ask me how I feel  
You have no right to speak to me so kind  
Someday I might  
Find myself looking in your eyes  
But for now we'll go on living  
Separate lives /

What Duo had told me this afternoon made the desired impact its owner had hoped to make in me. Yes, I know I'm still reeling from the break-up, and that I am aware that I still love Trowa. But I had no idea that I'd been unconsciously making people uneasy, barring them with this wall that was meant for another. All this time I thought I was protecting myself from needless sympathies and worthless words. From their useless prying into my private life. I was afraid they'd laugh at me, ridicule me for the love struck fool that I was.

And there I was wrong.

I uttered a sigh that could have startled anyone who hears me, sighing being one of those things they never thought I would do.

"Heero?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to decide whether to look at the source of the voice ... or to run away from it. Not waiting for an answer, he continued softly. "How are you?"

The second option sounds pathetic, but that doesn't mean I'd go with the other. There's still another choice. I can stay rooted to the spot, never whirling around, never uttering a sound. Which I did.

"Of course, I shouldn't be asking you that ... after what happened." He faltered. "But then, Heero ..." A hitch to his voice. "... is everything alright?"

A hiss escaped me. "Why Trowa? Feeling guilty all of a sudden?" I savored the bitter moment when I heard him gasp. Funny, but even as angry as I felt, I decided not to look at him. I feared I won't be able to stand my ground and run from him if I see those emerald eyes again.

"I do not cry at night nor do I pine away for you, if that's what you wanted to know." I calmly said as I started to walk away. Then, as if I just remembered it, I whirled around to face him and added, "Please tell your new lover he need not fear because I don't need you back."

If it was his turn to stay rooted to his spot, I didn't get to know. I was more intent on silently seething and getting the hell out of here. Damn you Trowa. How *can* you speak kindly to me like that, asking how I am? I didn't know you can be so insensitive. Once again, the wall shattered before you, and yet, you never gave a damn about it.

Gingerly, I brought up my hand to wipe away the tears that marked down my chin -- the few drops that fell when I faced him to add how I didn't need him back in my life.

Which was one huge fucking lie.

/ Yes, for now we'll go on living  
Separate lives /

- End Part Three

TBC 


End file.
